Besides being broken-up with quite often (but I don’t care, because fuck them), I have a friend that is coming into the age where he is realizing the difference between the sexes. You know, how men are logical and women are batshit crazy and all. Anyway, he’s at that point and quite often asks my advice on “women relations”. Now don’t get me wrong, I know my way around a woman and have loved and lost more times that Lindsay Lohan has been frisked by someone not a cop, but at the same time I’m not a genius. So I explain that women are cyclical and he will realize this after it’s too late.
I’ve decided to give him (and you!) examples of how everything works in cycles and that your girl-problems are the same as everyone else’s girl problems. So here it is, the coincidental (?) stages of breaking up and death! YAYYY!
ADDED BONUS! Because I got threatened with copyright violation “legalities” for using a picture I found on google by some sorry S.O.B. that makes his living photographing other men, I’ve decided to use illustrations of my own creation to make this experience more comfortable for all.
STAGE #5, DENIAL
According the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief, denial is the first one you’ll encounter.
Check out this picture of a real person in denial. Mouth clinched…his dead little eyes preaching their power to disbelieve…denial.
People don’t know what happens after death…we just don’t, and coming to the realization that you’ll have to find out fairly soon what happens when you die is a tough pill to swallow. It’s kind of the same with getting broken-up with – you feel like you’re not good enough, didn’t try hard enough or didn’t have a big enough wiener.
The uncharted territory of living without your partner while they’re off banging someone else is something none of us want to experience but most of us will…some of us more times than others.
…and some of us so many times that we just flat-out skip denial and go right into step #4
STAGE #4, ANGER
Trust me when I say that if death could be stabbed, people would do it. After denial, people are naturally angry when faced with the realization that this IS happening to them and there IS NOT anything they can do about it, so their first instinct is to lash out at being the chosen one in a shitty situation. For instance, we’ve all seen this conversation:
Girl: “It’s over”
Boy: “Please take me back”
Girl: “Johnny, it’s over”
See what the boy did there? He lashed out in anger after asking her to come back (denial). Maybe she was a whore and maybe she wasn’t, but Johnny is letting her know that she’s a skank whether she likes it or not. It’s not Johnny’s fault, he’s simply going through stage 4 and if girl doesn’t like it, she can take it up with Kubler and Ross. Either that or stop being such a whore.
STAGE 3, BARGAINING
Ok, so you’ve tried to deny what’s going on. Then you get angry and get shooty and explodey and other words that sound cute but really mean violent and awful things. Now what? You give up and accept your fate.
EH! WRONG! You bargain with death of course. On your deathbed this is acceptable. Putting God on speaker-phone in your late stages of dementia and telling him you’ll change your ways and give your life savings to charity will be frowned upon by no man…after all, you’re trying to work a deal for an extra tank of life to get you a little further down the road – that’s respectable.
In relationships this is a terrible place to be. The second your relationship is on its way out and you call a girl a whore it’s pretty much done, so you’d be better off moving into step #2, but you can’t. These steps happen all the time to everyone and now you’re in the bargaining section.
Saying things like, “I’ll change” or “but it was only the tip” may seem like they’re helping to mend the situation with your girl, but they’re not. They’re just a last-ditch effort to get things back to the way they were. You’re basically throwing a punch on your way down. You’re fighting a losing battle. You’re jumping off a falling bridge. Some people would go so far as to say that you’re acting like a sandy vagina. These people would also be your friends.
STAGE #2, DEPRESSION
..now bump fists and move on bro…move on…bring it in for the real thing and lets hug it out. Love you, man.
STAGE #1, ACCEPTANCE
So here we are. You’re dying (or breaking up). You’ve called bullshit, you’ve stabbed, you’ve name called, hugged it out, got wasted with your buddies and every girl you’ve hit on since the break up isn’t as good as the one you wanted. You’ve sulked, you’ve cried (if you’re still a vagina), but you’ve made it – acceptance.
Sure, you may not be over the whole situation, but there’s no more emotion, no more back-and-forth and no more waking up hungover. It’s a new day, man. Hug that Grim Reaper, give him a little sac-tap to know you’re ok with the situation and walk off to your new future.
…and for the love of God DON’T TEXT HER or that whole vagina thing starts over.