I grew up watching Crocodile Dundee.  I remember it being a great fish-out-of-water story and something of an inspiration…but that was when I was still a kid and had yet to experience the movie through an adult lens.  Now that I understand what hookers and cocaine are, watching the movie is a bit different.

#4 – HE’S A HOMEWRECKER

Yes, Sue had a fiancé.  Yes, this was probably her fault more than his, but it still takes two to tango.

Dundee and Sue kissed on the side of the mineral pond just after she invited him to go back to New York with her.  At first this appears to be somewhat of an innocent ending for the story she’s writing, but a few seconds later it’s revealed that she was kind-of-hitting on him.  That is revealed just after he more or less asks, “are you hitting on me?” and she says “kind of”…again, more-or-less.

Back in New York, Sue’s fiance meets them at the airport and quickly decides that wearing a white suit and speaking Italian is cooler than killing crocodiles for a living and decides to let Dundee know it.  Dundee is surprisingly submissive during these couple of days before deciding to knock him out at the dinner table.

*It should be noted that Dundee has incredible control up to this point, or he just doesn’t know what’s up.

Anyway, Sue keeps playing this game where she’s kissing and flirting with Dundee the whole movie while still with her fiance until she decides to go with Dundee just as he decided he was hopping a train out of town…seems like not much has changed in 30 or so years of social behavior.

BUT, they got together and lived happily ever after I assume – I didn’t see part II.

#3 – HE’S A POACHER

The reason that Dundee made it to mainstream media and became the subject of Sue’s story is that he supposedly had “half of his leg bitten off” by a crocodile.  However, shortly after we’re introduced to Dundee as he dances into a bar (on both legs),

a nearby patron inquires about the odd selection of fishing spots that Dundee was attacked at – a location known to be full of dangerously gigantic crocodiles.  Dundee responds by knocking the guy out for “using bad language in front of a lady” after Dundee himself calls the guy “shit for brains”, then leaves.

Later on, when Dundee finds the boat that was mangled in the attack, Sue finds what looks like 5 empty shell casings and inquires weakly about Dundee’s purpose in the territory.  As usual, he looks at her with his leathery skin and apartment-swimming-pool-blue eyes and the scene ends.  It’s easy to poach when you’re such a beautiful son of a bitch.

#2 – HE GOES AROUND HITTING EVERYONE

Here’s the order of the punches in the movie:

1 – Punches the patron in the bar that calls him a poacher

2 – Punches Sue’s fiance at dinner because he embarrassed him

3 – Punches a pimp for trying to make a living

4 – Punches the same pimp later on

5 – Punches the pimps goon, then gets punched back (finally)

…the only one of these that is really provoked is the second time the pimp came up to him.  Other than that, Dundee wasn’t self-defending anything, he just hit people because he felt like it.  I like that, but it still makes him kind of pricky.

#1 – HE’S A SEXIST

When Dundee and Sue first go into the outback, she is completely dependent upon him until he mentions how she wouldn’t last a day on her own because she’s a “Sheila”, and the outback is “man’s country”.  Sue takes this as a challenge and waltzes off into the bush only to be attacked by a crocodile later in the day at which point Dundee stabs it in the head because that’s the most glorious way to kill a mechanical crocodile ever.

After the attack, Sue pretty much forgives Dundee for his sexist remarks because he was apparently right in that he saved her ass.

This ass

Later on, we are treated to a scene where Dundee goes off into the night for what looks like some kind of Aboriginal ceremony where Dundee gets all painted up.  Sue hides behind some bushes to get some pictures of the event for her story and is spotted by Dundee.

The next morning Sue asks if Dundee is “telepathic” and asks to know how he knew where she was.  Dundee, in the most non-sexist way possible, simply responds, “You’re a woman, and a reporter.  That makes you the biggest busy body on earth.”

…so much for that forgiveness thing.

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Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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