My Critique of Insane Internet Pictures


I’ve decided to come up with a formula (verb – noun – noun) and type it into search engines.  I will take the most interesting photo from the fist page and analyze it…you know, like an art lover but with the internet for my gallery.  There is no point to this post other than to entertain myself.  Enjoy and comment at will.

#5 SPITTING BUTT SHOE

R A D

Technically this is a driving-shoe-ass, but I thank the poster of this picture for appropriating the tags so it came up.  This is one of the top pictures one can ass for (get it?).  The shoe and ass both appear to be professionally done.  Which is odd because in 35 years of life I’ve never asked someone what they do and heard back “I build asses and stuff.”   Speaking of which, that ass looks smooth and the crack looks natural – no chaffing.  Although I’m unable to tell if it is a male/female from the picture, I’m just going to enjoy it in generalities.  The genius of the timing here is that the hay blocks your view of the mommy or daddy parts leaving the ass open (pun intended) to speculation.

The shoe again is expertly done in a converse manner but without the trademark violation.  Judging from the hay left behind it appears stable enough to turn on a dime while remaining stylish enough as to say, “I also clean up on occasion.”  While not a fan of high-tops per-se, I would gladly take this one for a ride around your local corn maze.

Together the shoe and ass combo bring together an odd, yet workable duo.  You could say that the race is on between foot and ass.  Actually I will say that…this picture is a metaphor, and its a metaphor for kickin’ ass.  Well done. GRADE – B

#4 HUGGING MONKEY DUCK

Shown: Art

Yes, there were many pictures of monkeys hugging ducks on this search…there was even one wearing diapers.  But I urge you to look deep into the emotion of this picture. I dubbed this one, “Relationship”.  Why?  Because these two were obviously in an argument of biblical proportions.

Note the cheesy smile from the chimpanzee – it seems forced.  He is still angry but feels that offering an olive branch to the dog will make life easier.  Sounds kind of like bringing flowers home to the ol’ lady and she still has to play the mad card huh?  That’s because it’s exactly the same.  Nevermind that the chimp actually wants to eat the banana…it pains him to even offer it, but he’s wise.  He knows the bitch (literally) won’t take it.

Now check out the bitch.  She was angry at whatever transpired and she was giving chimp the silent treatment.  As nice as that was during Sunday NFL, he’s eventually forced to make amends.  When he offers his banana to the bitch, she sees his offering as weakness and tries to take the upper-hand by acting arrogantly ignorant of his effort…”to stew in it” some would say.

Unbeknownst to her, after 10 minutes, chimp will eventually say “fuck it, then” and eat the banana…at which point she will knock down the wall and make amends.  This is nothing new in the world of stupid arguments and bitches not taking the bananas.  GRADE – B-

#3 TRASHY DUMP BUCKET

……just….just stop

Here we see Eminem and some lady.  There is art within this art, however.  On Em’s right shoulder there is a tattoo of an octopus or a spider…I’m not sure which, but that’s the genius – you don’t know if he’ll attack on the sand or in the water…you just don’t know.  Well played, Sir.

Em’s woman is pregnant.  Judging by the quality of this photo I’m not 100% confident that she was impregnated by Spiderman over there.  This is either an instant-family-type situation or I don’t know what the fuck is going on.  One thing I do know, is that Em has got so much pregnant ass in his hand that her pants are ready to file restraining orders.  I mean look at that, he’s actually squatting lower to get a  full palm-to-rump connection.  If his hand was Scarface’s nose, her ass would be a pile of cocaine.

This says that love cannot be expressed…even without shirts.  Love also knows no boundaries…like being topless in a professional photography studio.  Love also expresses itself through touchy-feely moments,  including the awkward ones where the photographer says something like, “okay, okay…now….slllliiiiiiiiide your hand on her ass..that’s it…”

I don’t have this kind of love.  I’m actually not sure that I’d want love like this.  In fact, if taking a picture like this was my idea, I’d expect the girl to make my lobotomy appointment with Dr. GigglesGRADE C+

#2 FLYING APE HANGER

Yes, its real

Yes.  Absolutely.  Look at these things.  The only problem this man faces is turning.

The symmetry between his limbs shows a DaVinci-esque style of riding.  While neck problems and the eventual rainstorm are a threat, they’re of no worry to this man-chine.  The hangers and exhaust reach to the sky in a manner that begs lightening to challenge him in the same manner Terrell Owens challenges child support payments.

Does this man give a shit?  Nay I say.  If you were to pull up next to him and compliment his “hog”, he’d tell you to go fuck yourself, Mr. Suburbia.  This is the epitome of ridiculous and manly combined into one…which, according to many women, is pretty much the same thing.  GRADE – A-

#1 DROOLING BIRD FACE

“Let it raaaiiiin!”

So I go to Google, type in “Drooling bird face” and get this picture entitled “Bird shits on kid’s head”, which is even better than what I was looking for in the first place.

Lets look into the pigeon’s black, lifeless, dead eyes.  It has no emotion and represents “life”.  Pigeons happen, and they happened big time to this kid with a literal foreshadowing of his future.

Chubby kid is getting his second taste of getting shat upon.  Note opposite the bird and you’ll see another stream of poop.  This is from either:

A) Another bird or

B) The same bird that was swatted away and decided to come back to finish the job

I’m going to go with A.  The reason for this is the kid’s face.  I mean, he’s upset, definitely, but he also is showing a mild acceptance of the situation.  By no means does he show the ferocity of an Alpha-male….not even the bitchiness of an Alpha-girl.  He’s just there to take up the shit so nobody else has to.

This piece is emotional and depressing.  The downward movement of crap dripping from the hair is a masterpiece that rivals David.    However, it also brings me to laughter because after all, it’s a bird shitting on a kid’s head.  GRADE – A

All photos used under section 7 of the U.S. copyright “fair use” clause for critique and analysis


Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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3 replies

  1. I like to show one of my friends on the internet strange things that I come across. The flying ape hanger will be the next thing I show her when she comes online. 🙂

  2. hahaha this is genuis! Thank you for discovering my new favorite passtime.

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