There is no need for television programs with the amount of movies out there.  But with blue-ray and new dvd prices, it’s borderline ridiculous to buy movies now that you can rent them for a buck through any box outside a McDonald’s restaurant.  So say “nay” to paying thousands for a dvd collection…here are the top 5 MUST BUY movies that are usually found inside the $5 bin at walmart or any pawnshop, and they all have fantastic replay value:

#5 PREDATOR

2 Governers and Apollo…fuck aliens

Ok, to start off with, I haven’t met one girl that likes this movie.  When I do, I’m marrying her…obviously this is a dude-movie and here’s the skinny: Dutch (Ah-nold) is a special CIA agent sent in to run a special forces team to bring back a team of MIA comrades.  Once they enter the jungle however, some invisible jello lookin’ motherfucker starts waxing them one-by-one and skinning their bodies and keeping their skulls as trophies.  Soon it’s revealed to be an alien with a vagina for a mouth that is hunting them in the same manner people hunt helpless deer.

This is a classic movie about dudes shooting stuff and blowing stuff up and busting each others’ balls until the final showdown.  For the technology at the time, it’s beautifully done and worth the 5 bucks you can find it for.

Best Scene: The predator kills Governer Jesse Ventura with a blast through his chest.  Mac sees the jello-thing with eyes, picks up a minigun and kills the jungle.  Seriously, he lays out about 1,000 rounds and murders the jungle.  He shot more helpless living creatures down than Jessica Alba at a Star Trek convention.

Best Line: “Nothin’ but a buncha slack-jawed faggots in here.  This will turn you into a God-damn sexual TY-rannasaurus!”

#4 STONE COLD

“I can’t hear you over the sound of what a pussy you are”

Brian Bozworth (of Bo Jackson fame) is an FBI agent sent in to infiltrate the “Brotherhood”…a biker gang that is dangerous for some reason…probably because that’s what you’re told by the FBI agent in the very beginning.  I wish there was more to it…but there’s not.

This movie has (to my knowledge) been discontinued, so finding it is extremely difficult.  Like Predator, it’s well worth 5 bucks AND the effort to find.  It’s one of the rare biker movies that you can watch over and over again.  You know, like that one biker movie that you watch repeatedly…            …..               …ok so it’s the only biker movie you can watch more than once.

Best Scene: “The Boz” needs to get noticed in the gang so he goes to a rally, jumps into a sand pit and beats the piss out of some guy that looks like Justin Bieber had he grown another 10 years, planted on a beard,  took steroids and had a penis installed…which is actually nothing like Justin Bieber now that I think about it.

Best Line: Chains – “Welcome to my nightmare!” Boz punches him in the face.  Chains –  “Uhhhh!”

#3 THE KARATE KID

“If done correct, no can defense”

Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio) is a kid from Jersey that took 3 weeks of karate “at the Y”.  He moves to somewhere that’s not Jersey, likes Alli (Elizabeth Shue), and gets his ass kicked multiple times by her ex – and 80’s super-villian-Johnny.  Eventually his maintenance man teaches him karate and he meets Johhny and the Kobra-Kais in the All Valley Karate Tournament…which is saying something since my maintenence man just knows how to get weed.

I have watched this movie over 100 times.  The replay value is pristine and the bullying gives you a real feeling of wanting to slap some man into Mr. Larusso.  I actually learned how to stand on one leg when being attacked from this movie.

Best Scene: Hands down – Daniel running from Johnny’s gang dressed as skeletons before they lay the wood to him…that or Elizabeth shue in cheerleader garb. Rawr.

Best Quote: “Yeeeeaaaaa!  Get ‘im a body baaaaag!”

#2 CADDYSHACK

Original meaning of “strokin’ the gopher”

I’m still unsure of the whole premise of this movie although there are many…choose from a kid trying to earn a scholarship, a groundskeeper trying to kill a gopher and chicks (yea, chicks) trying to get laid.

Here are a few great stars of this movie – Bill Murray, Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase and Ted Knight (Judge Smails).  It’s funny as hell, no boring scenes and plenty of action for a slapstick comedy.  The battles between Murray and the almost-understandable gopher are classics in their own.

Best Scene #1: Baby Ruth candy bar in the pool with Jaws music

Best Scene #2: The just-below-average-intelligence-groundskeeper (Murray) recruited by a judge to caddy for him during a thunderstorm.  He is en-route to shoot the greatest round ever and is struck dead by lightening when he curses God for ruining said greatest round…Murray quietly looks around to insure nobody is watching before lying the Judge’s clubs down and running off.

Best Quote: singing: “I was borrrrn to love you, I was born to lick your face.  I was borrrrrn to rub you, but you were born to rub me first”

#1 SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

“i cwant breave”

So there’s this killer that the media has dubbed “Buffalo Bill”.  He’s not really a transvestite but thinks he is.  Therefore, he finds women and skins them to sew his own “dress” out of them.  Clarice (Jodie Foster) is a new FBI agent sent in to interview convicted serial killer and cannibal, Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) to inadvertantly see if he can help get into the mind of Bill and track him down.  Hannibal, being the intellectual freak-show that he is, trades information for knowledge of Clarice’s upbringing…which I think gets him off…speaking of which…a prisoner throws man-sauce all over Clarice…which is nice if you’re German.

This is close to being my #1 movie of all-time…and yes, it can be bought for 5 bucks…I got it in a pawn shop for $3.99.  Who doesn’t like serial killer stories?  Especially one where the serial killer can tell you what you had for breakfast and why.  Hannibal Lecter is like that dork in class that used to let you cheat off him in tests only to find you you got an “F” and he got an “A” because he changed all his answers back after you copied them…except he’d eat you afterwards.

It must be said that Hannibal’s escape from prison is one of the most thought out and unpredictable escapes ever made…even with the jackass police sergeant that tries really hard to do…well, nothing about it.

Best Scene: Any scene involving Clarice and Hannibal…the dialogue is fantastic and the way he owns her shit is enough to make any “Trekkie” think they can hit on Jessica Alba (see #1)

Best Line: “Would you fuck me?  I’d fuck me.  I’d fuck me soo hard”

BONUS! Not many people know this, but look at the movie poster for this movie:

Yea, that’s Jodie Foster with a moth shitting on her mouth, but that’s not all…look closely at the moth…that design on it’s back is a skull…BUT WAIT!  Why is that so special?  Zoom in a little closer..

Hells yea

That tiny skull on that tiny moth on Foster’s hot mouth is actually Salvador Dali’s artwork…it’s 7 naked women posed to make the shape of a skull.

You’ve now been completely mind-fucked.  Good day, sir.

Disclaimer:

Section 107 contains a list of the various purposes for which the reproduction of a particular work may be considered fair, such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Section 107 also sets out four factors to be considered in determining whether or not a particular use is fair.

1. The purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes
2. The nature of the copyrighted work
3. The amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole
4. The effect of the use upon the potential market for, or value of, the copyrighted work

Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

Tags: !, 10, 2, 5, a, ah-nold, alien, arnold schwarzenegger, art, arts, bag, ball, be, belt, best, bike, biker, bill, billy, bin, blue, bo, body, bosworth, boz, bozworth, brian, bucks, buffalo, caddyshack, carl, chains, chase, chevy, chicks, cold, crane, dali, dangerfield, daniel, dollards, elisabeth, elizabeth, five, for, foster, foster's, found, gang, get, girls, gopher, governer, governers, greatest, hannibal, her, hermosillo, hidden, him, hmm, howard, II, in, is, jackson, jersey, jesse, jitsu, jiu, jiu jitsu, jode, john, johnny, judge, judo, julie, karate, kid, knight, kodokan, larusso, lecter, lector, mac, martial, miagi, michael, mike, mm, mma, mmm, moth, motorcycle, mouth, movie, movies, mr. mister, murray, naked, new, of, on, original, panda, predator, purple, quote, quotes, rodney, salvador, scene, scott, sculpture, shu, shue, skull, smails, snails, stoll, stone, technique, ted, ten, the, under, vagina, valentine, valley, ventura, vincent, weathers, were, what, white, winter, women