Everybody likes to believe in something – Wishes, fate, happy endings (of both the storybook and shady massage nature) and even Bigfoot.  It’s nice hope that something is real.  Don’t get me wrong, I love believing in Bigfoot as much as the next guy, but he’s simply not real, not even to the point of hoping that he is.  Here are the top 5 reasons Bigfoot is as bogus as a B-list celebrity’s sobriety:

#5 THE REWARD

Quarters are a little cramped, but it’s cozy

It’s only been a week since someone has offered me five bucks to eat a bug and I did it.  I’m not alone either.  That being said, there is a one million dollar bounty on the head – or any part, really – of a Bigfoot.  So if there are thousands of people that would eat a bug for five dollars, imagine how many there are that would kill a big hairy ape for a million.

For instance, see that picture on the right?  That was a supposed Bigfoot that was shot and killed in Georgia around 2009.  Note that in reality it is a monkey suit.  Note even stupider, is that they put fake teeth in its mouth and a dead squid on its stomach to simulate guts.

This, my friends, is what a million dollar reward does.  It drives people to do things that they know comes with a 100% chance of being exposed.  Think this was some backwoods hillbilly trying to cash in?  Try again, this is the work of a police officer that was promptly let go after this was found out to be a hoax.  Even worse,  his department actually kept him hired on after this reached National media level until it was proven fake…like they thought he actually killed a Bigfoot.  Think about it; millions of people bloodthirsty after a Bigfoot for a huge payday and not ONE captured…hmmm…they must either not exist or be really really really rare (see #2)…like a stripper that actually is going to college.

#4 PATTERSON-GIMLIN TAPE

Bitches love long arms

Everyone has seen this tape shot in 1967.  If you haven’t,  watch it right here.  These images have become the staple for both Bigfoot believers and skeptics.  Some say this is obviously a man in a suit.  Others respond with the odd stride the creature has and how it can’t be replicated by a human.  Without this tape, believers wouldn’t have much to stand on, so they’ll defend it to the death.  Here are the facts about this tape and why it is nothing more than a hoax…

This video was shot with a 3 speed camera; this means that the film could be ran through the aperture at 3 different speeds and nobody knows what speed it actually was on at the time.  Have you ever seen an old black and white movie from the 1920’s where it looks like everyone is moving faster than a cocaine taste tester?  That’s because the film is run through the camera at a slower rate.   You know the vidoes where you can see bullets moving in slow motion?  That’s because film is moving faster. This should explain the awkward speed of the creature and the reason that nobody can replicate the stride in real time.

Let’s look at the actual motion of the walk…it kind of looks like this guy in comparison, huh?  That’s Bob Heironimus.  Bob claims to have been the man in the suit.  Bob was also friends with Roger Patterson.  Coincidentally, it was also Bob’s horse that Patterson was riding on the day they saw Bigfoot…so where do you think Bob was?  Me too.

Roger Patterson was also trying to sell a Bigfoot movie to Hollywood, and they weren’t biting.  He also had a habit of not paying back loans.  This coincides with Bob’s statement that had Roger paid him the $1,000 he was owed for walking around in a hot suit on a hot day, he wouldn’t have come clean about it.  Still don’t believe me?  How about  this – Bluff Creek is extremely close to Ray Wallace’s construction sites, and what are the chances that you’re going to come across a Bigfoot in ideal conditions in an ideal place in ideal lighting while coincidentally trying to film a documentary about Bigfoot for Hollywood?  I’ll go fishing with my dog’s morning-turds before I believe that.

#3 RAY WALLACE

*Insert long, erect pole joke here*

Ray Wallace was my kind of guy.  You know, the kind that owns mountains and pranks strangers.  Ray however, was better than anyone at this; he fooled the entire world.

Let’s jump back a bit.  Throughout history, there has always been some kind of monster or unexplained creature on nearly every continent…the Yeti, Chupacabra, Nessie, etc…so a big hairy man living in the mountains isn’t anything new per se, but there was a gigantic uprising in believers.  Those believers came from the Patterson-Gimlin tape.  That tape, came from the antics of Ray Wallace.

In 1958 a construction worker found some footprints on one of Wallace’s construction sites that were impossibly huge.  He told everyone and before you know it, Wallace’s construction site was a hotbed for Bigfoot activity.  Not to be outdone by media attention, every other area that had somewhat of a forest in America had sightings reported.  Ray kept his mouth shut even up until his death, thus solidifying his reputation as a trickster.  His cousins eventually gave it away that they would use techniques like strapping giant feet to their boots and hanging on to a rope pulled from a truck to help them get unusually large strides.  Even after this outing, people refused to believe Bigfoot was fake.  But remember the Patterson film?  Bluff Creek is hiking distance from Wallace’s site of fake prints…you do the math.

Here’s why I love this guy – he tricked people into believing in Bigfoot so much, that even after he died and it was revealed that he was a “serial trickster” by his own family, the public still refused to believe it.  That’s like me saying I invented air, then saying I was just kidding, then you saying, “No, you DID invent air”.

#2 BREEDING POPULATION

Together they make chupacabras

This one is simple.  Unless Bigfoots are asexual, there must be a minimum of a couple of thousand to maintain a breeding population.  That means that there not only has to be 2,000 Bigfeet in existence, it means that they have to live in the same area. If this sounds familiar, its because it is – gorillas.

Now think of that, gorillas are smaller than what a Bigfoot supposedly is, and we know they exist because of their population.  One step further, if you ask someone if wild gorillas exist in North America, you should be pretty quick to hear an “absolutley not”.

I know what you’re thinking, …”how do we really know there aren’t gorillas hiding in the mountains here?”

The answer being that there just aren’t. If you need any further proof, well…you believe in bigfoot and that’s equally ridiculous.

Trust me, if there was a population of even 100 Gigantopithicuses we’d know it.  We’d be able to find them easily as well, because once a hunter ran into one of these things, we’d be able to follow his dirty pants trail back to their hideout and send in Seal Team 6 to finish the job…thereby providing proof.  ‘Merica.

#1 HE’S 9 FEET TALL AND 500 POUNDS

Gigantopithicus shown with it’s teddy-person

I’ll admit that since we don’t have proof of Bigfoot’s height (since it doesn’t exist) or weight (since it doesn’t exister), we don’t have a control number here.  However, due to sightings, we usually get a description between 8 to 10 feet tall and 500 lbs.  Robert Gimlin’s creature was said to weight 750 lbs.  So 9 feet and 500 sounds pretty good, so we’ll go with that.  This thing in the picture on the right is just about that, and it looks pretty human-apeish.  It’s called a Gigantopithicus.

Gigantor over there did exist.  We have found some bones of his.  Modern scientists believe that IF Bigfoot were real, it’d be this guy.  So look at that thing…put this together with a breeding population and you’re telling me that we would be totally oblivious to 2,000 of these living in the U.S.?  That falls just under me being completely unaware that sitting on my own balls hurts pretty bad.

Look at that thing, it’s enormous…and vegetarian.  And as a vegetarian, this dude looks like he could pack away a couple hundred thousand calories a week.  So show me the munched-on trees.

Even if there were one of these in North America, trust me, we’d know.  There are hunting cameras, hunters, infrared satellite-google-earth images and crazy serial killers all monitoring our forests.

I will however play devil’s advocate here and say that there is a possibility of an asexual being that eats and grows without leaving a trace, is overlooked in pictures, lives amongst us while hiding in plain sight and has been around for hundreds of years.  It’s called a plant.

All images used under section 107 of the the U.S. copyright law determining “fair use” in cases such as education and critique as intended for this article

Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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