I Know Everything About You (The 5 Handshakes That Give It Away)


The dumbest thing you can do in war is give yourself away.  Give away your position, your intentions, your gun (duh)…you’re done.  It’s war, man.  So why on Earth would you give something away about yourself without the need to?

If you have shaken hands, you’ve given away your position…with or without knowing it.  And like war, that’s dangerous.  Now, I’m not a handshake expert or anything, but I’ve had a class or two, plus I have a degree in a similar subject.  Does that qualify me to give a seminar?  No.  Does it qualify me to slap you with some knowledge? Yes.  Especially if you come at me with a handshake that is palm-up.  Yep, that’s right, check it out:

HANDSHAKE #1 – THE MUTUAL RESPECT

scott vincent handshake nuclearchainsaw utahThere are an insane amount of ways that someone holds their hand out in order to initiate a shake.  Well, there are 3 main positions and a handful of variables.

The first is the mutual respect offer seen to the left.  This man, Johnny Awesome is saying “Hey man, good to meet you, nice shirt, pleasure is all mine”.  Think of the angle of the offerer’s (is that a word?) hand as a meter.  Straight up and down like Mr. Awesome’s hand is, is about 50%…mutual respect.

This is a guy that knows he has faults but also knows he has something to bring to the table.  It’s not to say that this person is dominant or submissive, it’s saying that they want to start off the relationship on equal footing.  During the conversation he’ll have his opinions and stand his ground but respect yours as well.  He can also call it a day and excuse himself to do some body shots on your girlfriend in your own kitchen and come back cool as a cucumber…hell, you might even thank him for his time.  These people are usually pretty cool and persuasive, solely based on the fact that they are not jerks with everything….they’re just…good.

FAMOUS NOTABLES THAT PROBABLY SHAKE LIKE THIS: Bruce Willis, Jennifer Aniston, Jack Black, Danny DeVito, Will Ferrell, Sandra Bullock, Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and that guy that your wife’s parents say she should have married instead of you

HANDSHAKE #2, THE SUBMISSIVE

“shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…”

See that guy on the right?  I don’t know who that is, but he’s as threatening as a teddy bear that’s eating s’mores.  I’ll give him a break and say that yes, he is shaking hands with the President which may be intimidating for some, but dang, you don’t have to be such a pussy about it.

I’m going out on a limb and saying the Prez doesn’t respect this man, and if he does, it is very little.  See, what you’re doing is giving power to the other guy.  The last time someone did that, the Nazis took over France…nothing good comes of it.  However, there is one bright side to the submissive.  They’re usually pretty smart.  Think about it – they hardly talk, let you take the conversation and listen.  In all actuality, that guy holding his hand out in the picture probably knows exactly how full of crap his boss is.  His boss, in return, loves this guy because he never challenges his ideas.

FAMOUS NOTABLES THAT PROBABLY SHAKE LIKE THIS: Calista Flockhart, Keanu Reaves, Leonardo DeCaprio, Anyone From Jersey Shore (If not, they should), and anyone that greets you with “heyyyyyyyyyyeee!”

HANDSHAKE #3, THE ABUSER

“Ha-ha-ha, seriously though, *ahem*, on your knees. Now.”

Check out Trump’s hand…that dude put his hand out palm-down, grabbed his prey, and pulled it in.  He’s even keeping Romney’s had in the submissive position.  This is the Abuser, and these motherfuckers mean business.  Abusers think everything is business…they want you to know that they’re in charge – all the time.  The also wear those  red “power” ties everywhere.  Have you ever seen a picture of 100 guys in suits at a convention and there’s one cocky individual with a red tie standing out like a sore thumb?  That’s why they do it.   

I’m going to admit I’m a mutual respect guy, and when I run into the Abuser, I grab his hand submissively and crank it into the mutual respect position.  More often than not they’ll give little resistance up to the 50% mark.  Try to move the hand 1% your favor though, and these guys will absolutley lose their minds. Everything with these guys is a conflict of interest.  Take Thanksgiving – they’ll stare at the turkey and try to figure out how to motivate you to carve it more efficiently.  They eat quickly just so they can talk about their “new opportunity” and screw up your personal dessert time.  Also, he’ll wipe his mouth with the cloth napkin, chuck it on the table then do that deal where they lean back, let out a deep breath while putting their arm around the back of your chair before starting their rant.  Does that bother you?  Who cares, you don’t exist.

FAMOUS NOTABLES THAT DEFINITELY SHAKE LIKE THIS: Donald Trump, Charlie Sheen, Bernie Madhoff, Enormous assholes, Alex Rodriguez, Jose Canseco, child stars that think they’re still famous

#4 THE FISTBUMP

These are children praticing their fist bump.  The fist-bump evolution lineage goes something like this:

Handshake -> High-five -> High ten -> Any “brotha” fancy shake -> Fist-bump

Fist bumps are great…kind of like the word “awesome”, it is timeless if done properly.  There are only a few rules:

  1. Don’t be overly-excited when bumping.  Bumping is incognito
  2. If someone holds a fist out, bump it.  Staring at it or ignoring it is leaving one to hang.  Dick move on you if you leave you buddy “hangin”
  3. After said bump, DON’T yank your hand back and splay your fingers out like the force of the bump created an explosion.  And for the love of God, if you make this mistake, DO NOT accent it with a “PuH-CHEWWWW!!” sound

So what does the fist bump say about you?  It says whatever you want it to say, as long as that saying is with love…i.e. winning a game, banging a smoking hot chick, slamming a beer, etc.

NOT TO BE USED IN A PROFESSIONAL SETTING.  You will definitely not get the job if you fist-bump your interviewer.

FAMOUS NOTABLES: Atheltes, kids, dorks (with accompanying PUH-CHEWWW)

HANDSHAKE #5 THE “SYKE”

“Eh? Eh? haha, gotcha muthafucka!”

Ok, up to this point, the Abuser is the least likeable shake.  This one is comes close.  The abuser has his own interests at heart, which is to make money. The syke just wants to get a reaction out of you and he does it in ways that make you go home and curse him while you’re trying to sleep.

Here’s how it works:  Syke comes up all 50-50 mutual respect with one corner of his mouth smiling like the Grinch on December 24th.  You figure there’s no harm so you reach for his hand.  He slips the attemt and slugs you just hard enough in the stomach to piss you off but avoid a Human Resources case.

VARIATION:  Sometimes instead of the slug in the gut, Syke will fake like he’s going for your balls and stop just short inducing a flinch.  This is followed with a, “uh? uh? watch yourselllllllllllllf” from the Syke.

If you do this, you’re probably the less successful brother of the Abuser.  You inherited all his charm and none of his smarts.

FAMOUS NOTABLES THAT PROBABLY SHAKE LIKE THIS:  Colin Farrell, Michael Bisping, Josh Koscheck, Ryan Gosling, Adam Sandler

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I know you by how you shake my hand.  You have been slapped with knowledge as promised – deal is a deal.  Try to be mutual respect guy.  Make love, not war, the best city is generosity – remember that, and write it down.



Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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