7 Historically Bad Buddy Fuckers


Remember when you were 6 years old and the neighbor kid had that sweet transformer that disappeared from his house when you came over only to be replaced by your identical (albeit “crappier”) version?  Or maybe that girl that you juuuust knew was meant for you …so you gained summoned all your gumption only to find out your buddy really, really liked her?

This is buddy-fucking.  It’s screwing over those that you were close to at some point in your life.  While transformers and girls are important, they’re nothing compared to the top 7 cases in history – here they are:

#7 – ALEXANDER SELKIRK

Son……………..of…………………a bitch.

Remember Robinson Crusoe?  Alexander is that guy.  No, literally, he’s that guy.  He falls in at #7 because he didn’t actually screw anyone over, but instead found himself on the receiving end of the situation.  In 1703, when Scottish Alex was somewhere in his mid-twenties he decided he wanted to be a buccaneer.  So he joined an expedition exploring the coast of Chile.

Upon arrival at what is now “Robinson Crusoe Island”,  Selkirk realized that the ship he was on wasn’t in the best condition to be out on the open ocean, so he flat-out said he wasn’t leaving and tried to pull a Jerry McGuire on the other mates.  Unlike Jerry McGuire, absolutely nobody followed him, not even the goldfish.  Alex instantly regretted this mistake and chased after the ship trying to wave it down.  Whether or not the occupants of the ship noticed his pleas or not is unknown.  Also unknown is if they were mooning him at the time.

After 4 years of living by himself and several close calls with the Spanish landing on the island – who would have almost certainly killed him – Alex was finally rescued on February 1st, 1709 by Woodes Rodgers, Captain of the Duke.

INTERESTING NOTE:  The crew of the Duke were hit hard with scurvy prior to landing on the island.  Alexander saved the entire crew by nursing them back to health with his goat-killing ability…coincidentally the only time that being able to brag about killing a goat was pretty awesome.

#6 PAT GARRETT

Uses Vidal Sasoon

Ok, this took me a while to piece together.  Pat Garrett was a lawman, bartender and sheriff.  Billy the Kid was kind of a jerk, but well, so was Garrett.  Now not going all Young Guns movie-fact on you, here it is:

Garret killed many people, as did Billy.  Pat Garrett killed Billy the Kid, but Billy the Kid was never verified dead.  Pat Garrett was shot by Jesse Wayne Brazel but that’s not verified either, nor why.  Garrett’s killing of the kid was considered betrayal because of their old friendship, but such a friendship was never verified.  Pat claims the Kid came into a dark room armed, others said he had no gun, but they weren’t there.  The shooting ruined Garrett’s political and professional standing but nobody knows if he actually killed the Kid or not, or even if they were friends, which if they weren’t, it was just a sheriff shooting an outlaw, and if they were, well; buddy fucker. Got it?

In other words, the whole thing is like shaking a bowl of alphabet soup – you’re going to get a different answer every time.  But due to the fame of Billy the Kid, it’s widely accepted that Emilio Estevez was killed by either Patrick Wayne or that dude from CSI…depending on which Young Guns movie you watch.

INTERESTING NOTE:  A dispute over buffalo hide made a hunter charge at Garrett with a hatchet.  Garrett responded by shooting him.  As the man lay dying, he begged for Garrett’s forgiveness.  This made Garrett cry and instead of finishing the man off, he cried and felt bad.  That being said, whoever killed The Kid is up to you.

#5 BENEDICT ARNOLD

Eggs. I shall be named after eggs.

Benedict Arnold is the reason people tell you to cover your ass.  During the American Revolutionary War, Arnold was a disgustingly good officer.  He was decorated as a brave, cunning and improvisional General.  Arnold knew how amazing he was, but he never took credit for his deeds.  So after every accomplishment when he was begging Congress for promotion, other officers were taking credit for his deeds and earning their own promotions.

Eventually Arnold got furiously angry at being passed over for promotion time and time again and when his promotion requests weren’t answered, he came up with a plan: Give us to the British. And by “us” I mean “U.S.”

Arnold was given control of West Point.  As such status should be a promotion, he didn’t see it that way, so he told the British he’d gladly take a promotion in the British army in exchange for letting  them invade West Point.

…yea…

Ultimately the plot was discovered and stopped.  He died in 1801 from gout sustained in 1775 (remember those bravery deals I mentioned earlier?) and wanted to die in his American Military uniform.  His last words were supposedly “Let me die in this old uniform in which I fought my battles. May God forgive me for ever having put on another”.

INTERESTING NOTE: Benedict Arnold actually wasn’t that bad of a guy…you know, besides that whole treason thing.  I mean, think of it this way – You work your tail off for years while all the new guys at your job get promoted and you, the money-maker, keeps getting passed over for promotion.  The only reward you get is more work…eventually you’re going to snap.  The only reason he’s different from you, is that he didn’t switch companies, he switched entire Nations…and well, treason.

#4  HIROO ONODA

“Yes sir, ignore everything for 30 years, sir!”

Now this guy is the kind of guy you want as your wingman at a bar on mardi-gras.  I’ll make the story of Hiroo short and you can fill in the blanks of his badassness.

Hiroo, on December 26, 1944, was sent to the Lubang Islands in the Philippines.  After some bouts of  conflict and everyone except  him being killed, he continued to hold his ground against enemy forces.  After the war in 1945, leaflets were dropped on all islands that had known soldiers from Japan.  The notes displayed a message from their Commanding General that the war was over and that they were to “come down from the mountains”.  Onoda figured this was the weakest attempt ever to get him to come out of his hiding spot. So he didn’t.

Long story short, Hiroo stayed on that island for 30 YEARS!  A journalist had made his way to the island in 1974 and found him.  Knowing damn well that nobody would believe him, he took a picture of Hiroo and sent it to Japan with a note saying that Hiroo would only give up when commanded to do so by his CO.  Unfortunately, his commanding officer has since been 29 years retired.

Eventually Japan located his old Major (who was a bookstore clerk at this time), and he relieved Hiroo of his duties on the island.

INTERESTING FACT:  Seriously, do you need one on this guy?  I’m not sure if Japan fucked him or he fucked himself, but someone fucked someone in this whole thing, thus, he’s #4

#3 CARLOS LEHDER

Photo taken circa 80% serious

If you’ve seen the movie Blow, you know who this guy is.  Carlos met Marijuana dealer/smuggler George Jung in prison.  It was a match made in heaven.  George knew how to fly planes and smuggle drugs.  Carlos knew Pablo Escobar and could get tons of coke.

Naturally, they made a load of money and the Medellin cartel was expanded.  The key to the whole thing was a man named Richard Barile (who we will call “Dick”).  Dick was George’s guy…his connection.  George would bring in the coke and Dick would spread the white stuff around to his connections and on and on.  Eventually Carlos convinced Dick to pull out of his deal with George.  Dick began dealing only with Carlos and George was left alone and now with no income.  Eventually Carlos also ousted Dick…coincidentally, Carlos was a huge motherfucker.

INTERESTING FACT:  Carlos owned an island named “Norman’s Cay”.  It had 100 houses, an airstrip, beaches and all kinds of goodies most people – if not all – will never have.  He walked around all day shirtless, in the sun, doing coke and getting drunk.  He is in jail now.

#2 SIMON YATES AND JOE SIMPSON (Touching the Void)

Photo not relevant ….except for the mountain

This one is almost too radical to put into my own words, so follow this link after the jump if you want more details…and you will.

So imagine that you’re hanging off the side of a really cold and slippery cliff.  You’re hanging from a rope that you can’t climb, you’re dangling and you can’t hear or see your friend that’s holding the other side of the rope.  Also there’s 150 foot fall directly underneath you straight into ice and rocks…got it?

Now your rope gives and you fall, obviously because your friend let go.  Welcome to Joe Simpson.

NOW, imagine that you’re the other guy up top.  You’re holding a rope that you indented to use to lower your friend down a slope.  Unfortunately it was a cliff.  He is now dangling in the air, you haven’t the strength to pull him up, yet can feel all his weight on the rope and you’re more than aware that he’s still attached.  After a while, his weight starts to pull you over.  Oh also, you can’t speak to nor hear  him, and you’re pretty sure that there’s a couple of hundred foot drop below him.  WHAT DO YOU DO?!  Welcome to Simon Yates.

…and Yates cut the rope.

Yep, Yates saved himself and cut his friend loose, but honestly who wouldn’t have?

Yates and Simpson were climbing Siula Grande in the Peruvian Andes in 1985.  Long story short, they were freezing, ran out of oven fuel and were encountering bad weather.  The only way down?  Walk.  Unfortunately they were tethered together and Simpson broke his leg, so he couldn’t be carried for threat of Yates slipping and killing them both, so Yates lowered him down by rope on what looked like a slope…but it turned out to be a cliff.  Thus, they’re stuck in limbo in the above situation and Yates eventually cut the rope, not knowing that his friend was just hanging there with frost bitten hands and unable to climb up…if that’s not enough to make you sit in a dark room questioning your humanity, then I don’t know what is.

That’s not even the insane part.  Simpson fell 150 feet and survived by landing on a small shelf in the crevasse.  Yates leaned over and yelled his name with no response…he assumed his friend had died and went to his base camp…probably very sad.

Simpson on the other hand landed like a goddamned frostbitten spider-man and checked out the rope.  He saw that it had been cut and guessed correctly that Yates was assuming him to be dead.  So, Simpson spent 3 days with no food or water and hobbled down a glacier 5 miles back to base camp.  As he arrived, Yates was finishing up packing…probably shocked that Simpson came hobbling around the corner and shot him the evil-eye….awwwkwarrrrrd.

INTERESTING FACT:  Joe Simpson is the toughest dude alive, period.  The only reason that this isn’t #1 is because the next guy is a real gem and did his stuff on purpose.

#1 ROBERT FORD

“My vagina got this through security”

Jesse James – The most wanted man in America in 1882.  By this time the James’ Gang’s numbers had become so depleted that he only had a couple of options for accomplices;  Charles and Robert Ford.  Charles Ford had ridden with James before and was trusted.  His little brother hadn’t, but that’s all Jesse had at the time.  He figured Robert was an ok dude because Robert looked up to James since he was a little kid.

Wanting to keep his gang running strong, Jesse invited the Fords to a robbery with him in Platte City, MO.  Here’s where it gets kind of shady.

The Governor of Missouri, Thomas Crittenden found that Robert Ford was in the presence of Wood Hite (Jesse’s cousin) the day Hite was killed.  Rather than face murder charges, Crittenden told Bob that if he killed James, he would not only pardon him, but split $10,000 in reward with him and his brother, Charles.  Robert probably said “yee-haw”, which is cowboy for “Ok”.

Later on while preparing for Platt City, James learned of Dick Liddil’s (I swear that’s not made-up) confession in the murder of his cousin.  James instantly became suspicious of the Ford brothers and figured they were out for blood.

James then took off his guns and laid them on the couch.  He got up on a stool to straighten a picture and Bob walked up behind him and aced him in the head.  That my friends, is a buddy fuck and a half.

Here’s my take on the genius of James; I figure he knew they were out to kill him and there were two of them and one of him in a room.  He knew it was the end, so rather than go down as getting killed in a gunfight by a rat, James purposely took off his guns and turned his back, knowing that Bob in his infinite chicken-shittedness would take the opportunity.

Why?  Because losing to a jerk and making him famous wasn’t going to happen, so he played the odds and figured that exposing him as a rat and preserving his name even 100 years later is legendary.  How so?

I know that’s a stretch, but even if it isn’t true, it worked out amazingly:

Ford is known as “The man that killed Jesse James”.  The guy that killed Ford is known as “The guy that killed the guy that killed Jesse James”, see where this is going?  I’m not 100% sure, but I’m confident that today, somewhere, there is  “The guy that used to roommate with a guy who got punched by the great-grand-nephew of the guy that killed the guy that killed Jesse James”…and I’ll bet he actually goes by it too. I would.

INTERESTING FACT: Bob and his brother got stiffed for most of their reward so they traveled around doing re-enactments of the James killing.  Unfortunately they left that whole unarmed-and-back-turned thing in the act and were booed as cowards more than cheered.



Categories: EVERYTHING (in no particular order)

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