4 Things That Spit In The Face of Other Things

The last time I spit in the face of authority, I defied the rules of grammar and decided to write in italics for no reason at all.  That’s the way I roll.  These things however, took it a few hundred steps further, and they’re in no way related to each other.  So if you’re here for continuity and order you’ve wrong to the place came.


#5  Bruce Bridgeman Spits In The Face Of Vision

Bruce Bridgeman saw life like you see Super Mario Brothers. He saw trees as “green blobs”, blocks as two-dimensional and Italians as dirty plumbers.

For most of his life, Bruce was cursed with a condition where his eyes were aligned slightly outward, meaning that both of his eyes could never focus on the same object which in turn left him in the 2nd dimension as far as vision is concerned.

That is, until one faithful day when Bruce went and saw a 3-D movie and put on the required glasses.  Besides being an excellent movie (94% on Rotten Tomatoes) Hugo apparently has a secret scene after the credits that completely un-fucks your vision because shortly after walking out of the movie, Bruce saw a lamp post “jump out” toward him…then eventually more things, then more until Bruce was walking around with full 3-D vision.  That has to be traumatic…

Imagine that for a second – seeing life as you’ve always seen it and knowing no different, then a lamp post jumps out at you. Jumps out of your vision at YOU.  That level of tripped out expired in Woodstock.


#4 – M.P. Prasad Spits In The Face Of Cyanide

…kind of.  For those not “in the know”, cyanide is a deadly substance that kills you so fast and so definitely, that we don’t even know what it tastes like…mainly because all the taste testers die.

INTERMISSION FOR OBVIOUS WARNING: Do NOT drink cyanide.  I know that shouldn’t need said, but there are these kinds of people walking around.   BACK TO THE STORY:

In regard to the mystery of what cyanide tastes like, M.P. Prasad was apparently aware of this.  So when he decided to end his life as a goldsmith, he used cyanide as his end-all-be-all and threw in the bonus of telling us all what it tastes like.

He used the poison as a mixer with his drink and started to write his suicide note.  In the note, he described the taste of cyanide as “it burns the tongue and tastes acrid”, which is more or less what you’d think poison would taste like.  But we all appreciate Mr. Prasad’s (yes he’s dead) effort and it just re-affirms that if anyone ever asks, you can describe cyanide in the same way that you would describe drinking gasoline or licking a fire.

#3 – Something Bigger Than A Great White Spits In The Face Of A Great White Bigger Than Most Great Whites

It’s common knowledge that if you want murdered by an animal, a one-way ticket to Australia will do the trick.  Amongst the animals that will kill you are Great White Sharks. Amongst those are 9-foot long Great Whites.


Hey baby, what’s 9 feet long and great white?

Not only are Great Whites the apex predators of the ocean, they are mean, and while not the most aggressive shark, one visit to Shark Week will put a primal fear into you.  Their natural enemies are Thor, walking and nothing. They also don’t run away from a fight because they just kind of don’t want to, so naturally we catch them and tag them to find out why Russia hasn’t tried to mechanize them yet.

Researchers had tagged a 9 foot Great White that was so badass they named it “Shark Alpha” to track its movements. After about 4 months, the tag of the shark was found on an Australian shoreline.  The researchers took the tag and read the data, and it was pretty amazing.

At 4 a.m. on Christmas Eve, shark “Alpha” plunged over 1,500 feet down a continental shelf then had her temperature rise from 46 to 78 degrees Fahrenheit.  It stayed at that temperature for 8 days before returning to ocean temperature.

Scientists and smart people say that the temperature increase could only be achieved by being in the belly of another animal. They also say that just because the tag was eaten, doesn’t mean the whole shark was…they just don’t know.

I’m more a fan of the fin theory, thinking that whatever ate the tag just ate the dorsal fin with it.  But even if that’s true, something made a nearly 10 foot alpha great white dive very quickly and get eaten very quickly.  The scariest part is that for the 8 days the tag was at “stomach temperature”, the tag hovered between 0 and 300 feet from the surface. Whatever ate that shark decided to go up and scout out the rest of the world, no doubt in order to return to its people and begin planning armageddon.


#2 – Devil’s Kettle Spits In The Face Of Earth

About 1.5 miles up the shore of Lake Superior in Minnesota lies something can only be described as a garbage disposal.

It’s at this point that there is a split in the Brule river and forms into two waterfalls.  Half of this split runs on down to the lake and the other disappears into…well, somewhere.

If you’re wondering how in a world full of technology we can’t figure out where the outlet of the falls come out, you’re not alone.  Geologists and scientists have resorted to the 5-year-old technique of just throwing shit into the kettle and waiting to see where the debris comes out.  To date, ping pong balls, dye and logs have been thrown into the kettle and nothing has ever been found elsewhere. That’s not including all the random objects that solo hikers throw into it either.

Sure there are theories; underwater rivers, lava tubes and even Asian kids playing in a magic lake that spits out ping pong balls, logs, dye and random objects solo hikers used to own.  Ultimately nobody really knows where all this water goes…it’s like it just gets soaked up Sham-wow-style.


#1 – Jeremiah Denton Spits In The Face Of The People Spitting In His Face

I’m not going to write too much on Jeremiah Denton, but I highly suggest you read about him.  He was captured by the North Vietnamese and was imprisoned in a POW camp for 8 years, 4 of which were in solitary confinement.

Eventually the North Vietnamese decided to use Denton for a propaganda film to show how well American soldiers were being treated.  He did so, and said exactly what they wanted him to say just like a good little POW.

EXCEPT for the fact that Denton was blinking T-O-R-T-U-R-E in morse code while spewing all that bullshit they wanted him to spew. Shortly after the “successful” film, North Vietnam released it for America to see and absorb. In doing so (and thanks to Denton) they inadvertently gave American Naval Intelligence confirmation that Americans were being tortured in their POW camps.  So not only did Denton more or less rat out his captors, he had them pay the postage to deliver his message.  You can watch the video here.

Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order)

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