The 4 Manliest World Records

By nuclearchainsaw on June 23, 2013 • ( 0 )

The Guiness Book of World Records has long been the foremost authority on world records. I remember I had a copy of the book in the late 1980’s and it was near 800 pages long and filled with the kinds of records you would expect – longest jump, heaviest lift, most home runs in a season – records that could be progressively broken and seemed like what you would expect a world record to be – tests of strength, agility and dedication.

Lately however, the Guiness book has settled into something that is less of an impressive record-recorder and more of a book of obscure “records” and dumb shit – like the one about the most steps walked down by a forward-facing-dog holding a shot-glass of water on its head…I’m not shitting you.

That being said, there are still some awesome and manly records out there that must be mentioned – grit and fortitude, baby. I swear to sweet-baby-Jesus these are real.

#4 – MOST OBJECTS HIT OFF YOUR OWN HEAD IN A MINUTE….WITH A BOOMERANG

So this one is a little hard to find but trust me, the Guiness book has at the very least had this posted on their website at one point. If you look it up at guinessworldrecords.com you may come across the header, but when clicking on it you’ll get an error screen – implying it was removed…I’m assuming in an attempt to keep the “Jackass” generation from lopping off their heads with boomerangs. Which coincidentally would be a world record for coolest thing to ever happen.

However, if you google “Most times to hit a target on one’s head with a boomerang in one minute” you’ll see that it was listed with Guiness at one point, meaning it happened.

Just by sheer awesomeness, I’m including this record even though I don’t know the record holder or how many targets (whatever those may be) were hit off his/her own head. What I do know, is what boomerangs were made for – hunting. The theory was that you would throw it at whatever you were hunting and if you hit it, you got food for the day and if you missed the target the boomerang would return to you and upon catching it would give you a second shot at the prey.

…so you see why throwing one of these things and trying to get your head in the way would be a bad idea. However, over the years boomerangs have taken a leap in evolution from the wooden/bone kill-machines pictured, to a safer, softer returning “tri-wing” design. I’d like to think the record was set in the outback with one of these wooden motherfuckers, but I’m betting is was set with something like this:

Still pretty badass though.

#3 – DRINK CANS SPLIT OPEN WITH A WHIP IN 3 MINUTES (23)

Adam Winrich is as good with a whip as I am with boobs…we handle them very well. Although I haven’t (yet) fondled 23 boobs in 3 minutes, Adam has cracked open 23 cans of soda in 3 minutes – and by “open” I mean “exploded with a whip.”

If you’ve ever seen a lion tamer prior to PETA getting in everyone’s shit or any Indiana Jones movie, you can appreciate a good whippin’ talent. The dangerous thing about a whip is the “crack”. That crack is actually the tip of the whip breaking the sound barrier – moving in excess of 700 miles per hour – meaning that if you somehow hit your face with it, it’ll probably feel like kissing a jet as it flies by. Due to the lack of wanting to kiss speeding jets, the whip-expert is a rarity in modern times.

Haven’t appreciated the record yet? Here is Adam Winrich in action…pay attention to the 01:00 mark where Adam shows you how to simulate rapid gunfire with two snakes in the event you’re unarmed and getting overrun by Nazis.

#2 – 6,000 POUND TRAIN PULL – WITH A BEARD

Ismael Rivas Falcon has one of the sickest beards imaginable. I know this because he pulled a 6,069 lb train with it – that 6,000 lbs is including the 5 hot chicks sitting in the train that had a perfect point-of-view experience on what a mustache-ride from a T-rex-Wooly Mammoth hybrid would be like. Feast your eyes on manliness that would slap your manliness, strip it down to its underwear and make it cry like girliness.

..and his last name is Falcon…..FALCON.

#1 – BEER BOTTLES OPENED WITH A HELICOPTER IN 3 MINUTES (4 BOTTLES)

Yes, one of those helicopters. This feat was done by Jan Veen of Germany (figures). But he didn’t do it in the manner that I first thought it had been done – which would be to tilt the chopper forward until the rotor slices off the bottle cap…no no, that would be too easy.

Jan instead decided to duct-tape a bottle opener to the skid of his helicopter and open beer for everyone…which is slightly less-manly than fishing for pirhana with your dick, but more manly than anything else.