The last time I heard of a trick with fingers, I was a very poor sport about what the other person was showing me. I was naive and I was a sucker, because I thought they were going to show me a classic that I remember from childhood…instead they wanted to probe somewhere that shouldn’t have been probed. I’ll never forgive Dr. Wetner who used the cover of “Proctologist” to trick me.
…by the way, I’m good, in case you were wondering.
Here are some classics that helped me get through life, made me wonder, and made me laugh…all done with hands and fingers. These should not be lost to the ages…I mean, just check ’em out
CUT OFF AND RE-ATTACHED FINGER
AS A KID: The first time I saw this was coincidentally the first time I remember sharting. My old man would show me his hand, then rip off a finger and put it back together before I knew what the hell was going on. I didn’t wonder why there wasn’t any blood, or screaming, or medical attention given. Hell, I didn’t even wonder why his index finger turned into something that looked like a purple toe (see picture). I just wondered why he would interrupt my mac and cheese and Fraggle Rock to show me his ability to remove his own limbs then walk away with no explanation. Clearly he knew it would make me believe that human parts were removable and that I would experiment with cats and bugs before I chanced self-mutilation. Regardless, that’s what he did.
AS AN ADULT: This trick is still pretty awesome, and showing it to a child and seeing in their face that you pulled it off without being exposed is even better. It’s a classic that brings back innocence to adults…not to mention the ladies love it when they see you blowing kids’ minds at weddings and funerals with it. Just don’t try to impress them at a bar where there aren’t any kids around…or funerals, don’t do it at funerals now that I think about it.
AS A KID: I’m a betting man. I was even a betting kid. That being said, I’m 100% certain that you’ll never read another sentence as fucked up as this next one. If you held your hands about a foot in front of your face and made yourself go cross-eyed, you could move your fingers and see a flying sausage.
AS AN ADULT: I haven’t done this in 15 years. However, since beginning this entry I’ve done it at the very least, six times…it’s just one of those things you have to do until your eyes hurt. It was very popular as a child when our entertainment didn’t include video games, iphones, or banging teachers at the ripe ol’ age of puberty. In fact, this trick was dead until one amazing music video (yes, MTV once played music videos) came out and sparked new life into this illusion.
THE SILENT SEXY
AS A KID: Ok, so this isn’t a trick but it deserves a spot since we all grew up with it. You either saw your big brother, cousin or a peer one grade ahead of you do this. Some may have even been mocked by it at some point in time. You knew it had something to do with chicks and you knew from observation that you were supposed to do it when your friend was talking to a girl and it always came accompanied with a, “Aw haw haw zsyea!” You didn’t know what it meant, and coincidentally neither did anyone else, but when you did it everyone laughed at your friend and you were cool. Care was taken not to do it in front of teachers.
AS AN ADULT: AWWWWWWW ZSYEA!
MULTIPLY BY 9
AS A KID: Nothing was more feared in first or second grade as your times-tables. Sure, multiplying by one and two was about as hard as burning a marshmallow in a campfire, but once you got to 7, 8 and 9, you would sooner give up recess than try to answer. Thus, the finger system (kid version, not adult) was introduced. For those of you that didn’t have a teacher that was about fingers (again, think non-adult here), there were three words that got your through the “9” system…Stand and Deliver
AS AN ADULT: Stand and Deliver was a movie about Jamie Escalante that tried to teach a bunch of gangstas how to learn. In the movie, he calls Lou Diamond Phillips “finger man” because of his habit of calling Jamie “#1” in the deaf way. Mr. Escalante, however, owned his shit…with math.
Escalante introduced LDP to the finger-system of multiplying by 9. If you check out that picture, every finger represented a number 1-10. Whatever number you were multiplying by was counted up for each finger until you had your answer. For example, in the picture, they’re multiplying 4 x 9. So you would count from left to right and tuck your 4th finger down. The remaining sides would tell you your answer – 36…three fingers remaining on the left side, six remaining on the right. It worked all the way up to 9 x 10…which you know, is 90. ….yep, 90.
The beauty of the finger system? It’s still in use…well into your thirties. Just last week I had to figure out how many lives my cat would have left if I fed it 9-lives chicken and pork formula.
(Answer – 81)