I love football. I also love big hits. I also love that moment that a defensive back commits to the hit and misses his target completely, just like your darts when you get too drunk to play a nice game of cricket. That action is more often than not the result of a fuggin suh-hweet juke on the part of the ball carrier. Here’s a list made not of the greatest, nor the most famous, but the best jukes that I personally remember…
#5 LeSean McCoy vs. New York Giants
Here’s the situation – 4th quarter, down by 3 points, 2nd and 3 yards to go. There’s also a minute left. So what do the Eagles decide to do instead of take the opportunity to field a bomb on such short yardage? They run a sweep with McCoy. I’ll be the first to admit that this was a shitty call. I didn’t mind, however, when McCoy breaks into the open field, and with one man left to face, man to man, he jukes the shit outta him. The defender lay beaten on the side of his face with his own arm trapped under him as LeSean took off running another 60 yards for the score, and Eagles win 17-10. McCoy was on my fantasy team as well, so I had a hard-on that would have busted a horses’ colon.
#4 Antonio Brown vs. Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens aren’t my #1 team by any means, but I love watching them. I love watching Ray-Ray doing his dance and kicking the pickles out of offenses. Him combined with Ed Reed alone makes Baltimore exciting. That being said, it isn’t often you see them embarrassed. #29 – Cary Williams at least gave his best effort to do so when Antonio Brown juked him out snake and mongoose style. Big Ben, under heavy pressure hits Brown on a slant, 25 yards. Williams is on top of Brown, and he decided to go up the middle until he realized that was too easy:
Check out around the 0:23 mark. Antonio is wide-open for another 5 yards up the middle but decides to “fuck that”, slams on the brakes and spins faster than a drunk Brittany Spears trying to sleep. This is coincidentally the same time that Cary Williams decides that it was Earth’s fault he was juked so he headbutts it. Then, in Ravens fashion, he is up quickly, chases Antonio, and misses him again…stupid Earth
#3 Barry Sanders vs. Cowboys/Vikings/Patriots/Seahawks/Cowboys Again
For every football fan, you know Barry Sanders. For those who don’t, you’ve been exposed. Stop reading about football. Barry Sanders was so God-damn ridiculous, defenses plotted ONLY against him, and he still ran it up people’s asses. In 1997 he rushed for 2,065 yards despite having two really shitty games that year, and is the only 2,000 yard clubber on this list. Pay attention to his moves (although they’re all just stupid), but particularly at times (1:55) where he decides to run through Dallas then juke the ENTIRE defense, (2:55) when he absolutely freezes a viking, (3:25) where he jukes the same Patriot 3 times, then stiff-arms him for good measure, then (3:50 -on) for a replay of all that crazy shit. Don’t forget, this wasn’t exactly rare for Barry…it was a game in-and-out performance.
#2 Walter Payton vs Tampa Bay
Watch this, then we’ll talk…specifically about the (0:35) mark
Did you see that? Two things happened:
- He actually offered the ball to the cornerback…watch it again, he holds it out like, “here, take it”. The back, obviously thinking that this is some sort of ploy, refuses with a quick “I’m not falling for that”, then gets blocked
- The blocker actually takes offense to the back not taking the King’s offering, and shoves him into Walter, trying to force him to accept the gift of “ball”. Again, the back refuses and screams loudly in contempt of this trickery. This startles Walter who runs away…..to the endzone….as usual.
#1 Dante Hall vs. The Donkeys
Yes, I’m a KC fan forever, but that’s not why this is #1…This is #1 because it’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen. Dante “X factor” Hall splices the fabric of time at (0:09). Here:
I’m not shitting you…that’s literally a glitch in the Matrix. He juked my fucking eyes. What’s more insane, is that after that…that….whatever that was….there are 7 (SEVEN) Broncos on the screen and one other Chief (0:11), and he decides to go all the way in for the touchdown. Normally I’d say something like, “now fast forward to the 22 second mark”, but I’m not. Instead, I’m going to tell you to enjoy the endzone run as Dante places the ball at his feet, gives his patented “X-Factor” sign to Denver, then screams in the air for Tank to upload the Kung-Fu program and turn the fans into Agent Smiths