I think movies are either terribly boring or terribly exciting. “Chick flicks” as they’re called fall into my terribly boring category, so I decided to do a little experiment.
This is Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, the Senior Drill Instructor (and all around badass) for the Marine Corps movie Full Metal Jacket…one of the best movies ever made. This is Jack Dawson and Rose-something from Titanic…possibly one of the longest and most lovey love stories ever.
In order to improve Titanic and mellow-out Full Metal Jacket to the point that both men and women would enjoy either of them, I interjected some of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman’s famous lines into some Titanic scenes…if you’re familiar enough with the lines, I bold-typed the inclusions for faster reading.
SCENE #1 ORIGINAL
Cal Hockley: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?!
Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife
SCENE #1 IMPROVED
Cal Hockley: Where are you going? To him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?!
Rose: I’d rather be his whore than your wife
Cal Hockley: Bullshit! Get on your knees, scumbag!
SCENE #2 ORIGINAL
Rose: That’s the last time I ever saw him. He married, of course, and inherited his millions. But the crash of ’29 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year…or so I read.
SCENE #2 IMPROVED
Rose: That’s the last time I ever saw him. He married, of course, and inherited his millions. but the crash of ’29 hit his interests hard, and he put a pistol in his mouth that year – seven-six-two millimeter…full, metal, jacket…or so I read.
SCENE #3 ORIGINAL
Jack: Meet me at the clock. Make it count.
SCENE #3 IMPROVED
Jack: Meet me at the clock, I’m going to give you 3 seconds, exactly 3 FUCKING SECONDS.
SCENE #4 ORIGINAL
Bert: It’s a big boat, huh?
Cora: Daddy, it’s a ship!
Bert: You’re right.
SCENE #4 IMPROVED
Bert: It’s a big boat, huh?
Cora: Daddy, it’s a ship!
Bert: Well, no shit, what do we have here, a fucking comedian.
SCENE #5 ORIGINAL
Rose: Mr. Andrews, forgive me, I did the sum in my head and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned, forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard.
Thomas: About half actually. Rose, you miss nothing do you?
SCENE #5 IMPROVED
Rose: Mr. Andrews, forgive me, I did the sum in my head and with the number of lifeboats times the capacity you mentioned, forgive me, but it seems that there are not enough for everyone aboard.
Thomas: Wipe that disgusting grin off your face.
SCENE #6 ORIGINAL
(Rose is about to cut Jack’s handcuffs with an axe)
Jack: Wait, wait, wait! Take a couple of practice swings over there
(Rose puts a hole in the door)
Jack: Good, now try to hit the same mark again, Rose. You can do it.
(Rose chops again and misses by a foot)
Jack: Okay, that’s enough practice
SCENE #6 IMPROVED
(Rose is about to cut Jack’s handcuffs with an axe)
Jack: Wait, wait, wait! Take a couple of practice swings over there
(Rose puts a hole in the door)
Jack: Good, now try to hit the same mark again, Rose. You can do it.
(Rose chops again and misses by a foot)
Jack: You little maggot, you make me want to vomit!
SCENE #7 ORIGINAL
Jack: I’m going to dance with her now, alright? (looking at Rose)
Jack: Come on
Rose: What?
Jack: Come on, come with me
Rose: Jack, Jack, wait! I can’t do this
Jack: We’re gonna have to get a little bit closer, like this
SCENE #7 IMPROVED
Jack: I’m going to dance with her now, alright? (looking at Rose)
Jack: Come on
Rose: What?
Jack: Choke yourself
Rose: Jack, Jack, wait! I can’t do this
Jack: God Damnit, with my hand!
SCENE #8 ORIGINAL
Carpathia Steward: Can I take your name please?
Rose: Dawson, Rose Dawson
SCENE #8 IMPROVED
Carpathia Steward: Can I take your name please?
Rose: Dawson, Rose Dawson
Carpathia Steward: Bullshit, from now on you’re Private Snowball
SCENE #9 ORIGINAL
Lovejoy: What could possibly be funny?
Cal: I put the diamond in the coat…and I PUT THE COAT ON HER!!
SCENE #10 IMPROVED
Lovejoy: What could possibly be funny?
Cal: I put the diamond in the coat…and I PUT THE COAT ON HER!!
Lovejoy: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
SCENE #10 ORIGINAL
Rose: So you think you’re big tough men?
(Rose takes a drag off Tommy’s cigarette)
Rose: Then let’s see you do this
(Rose lifts up her dress and rises completely on her tip toes)
Rose: Hold it up!
3rd Class Woman: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
SCENE #10 IMPROVED
Rose: So you think you’re big tough men?
(Rose takes a drag off Tommy’s cigarette)
Rose: Then let’s see you do this
(Rose lifts up her dress and rises completely on her tip toes)
Rose: Hold it up!
3rd Class Woman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that?!
SCENE #11 ORIGINAL
(As Rose and Jack finish making love in the backseat of the car, she caresses his cheek)
Rose: You’re trembling
Jack: Don’t worry, I’ll be alright
SCENE #12 IMPROVED
(As Rose and Jack finish making love in the backseat of the car, she caresses his cheek)
Rose: You’re trembling
Jack: How many counts in that move you just executed?
SCENE #13 ORIGINAL
(Rose sees a lifeboat coming back for survivors, she shakes his hand to wake him up)
Rose: Jack…Jack…Jack?
(She looks back to the boat, then back to Jack)
Rose: Jack there’s a boat! Jack!
(She realizes that Jack is dead as she shakes his hand again)
Rose: Jack?…Jack…
(She shakes his hand viciously and begins to cry)
Rose: Jack!
Rose: I’ll never let go (lets him go)
SCENE #13 IMPROVED
(Rose sees a lifeboat coming back for survivors, she shakes his hand to wake him up)
Rose: Jack…Jack…Jack?
(She looks back to the boat, then back to Jack)
Rose: Jack there’s a boat! Jack!
(She realizes that Jack is dead as she shakes his hand again)
Rose: Jack?…Jack…
(She shakes his hand viciously and begins to cry)
Rose: Are you quitting on me? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! (lets him go)
Section 107 contains a list of the various purposes for which the reproduction of a particular work may be considered fair, such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Section 107 also sets out four factors to be considered in determining whether or not a particular use is fair.
The purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes
The nature of the copyrighted work
The amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole
The effect of the use upon the potential market for, or value of, the copyrighted work
The distinction between what is fair use and what is infringement in a particular case will not always be clear or easily defined. There is no specific number of words, lines, or notes that may safely be taken without permission. Acknowledging the source of the copyrighted material does not substitute for obtaining permission.
The 1961 Report of the Register of Copyrights on the General Revision of the U.S. Copyright Law cites examples of activities that courts have regarded as fair use: “quotation of excerpts in a review or criticism for purposes of illustration or comment; quotation of short passages in a scholarly or technical work, for illustration or clarification of the author’s observations; use in a parody of some of the content of the work parodied; summary of an address or article, with brief quotations, in a news report; reproduction by a library of a portion of a work to replace part of a damaged copy; reproduction by a teacher or student of a small part of a work to illustrate a lesson; reproduction of a work in legislative or judicial proceedings or reports; incidental and fortuitous reproduction, in a newsreel or broadcast, of a work located in the scene of an event being reported.”
Categories: EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor
The Dodgeball Recipe 
People Flipping Out Over Video Games 
5 Crazy and Uncomfortable Talk Show Moments 
5 Martial Arts Videos That You Need To See (if you have 10 minutes to kill) 
Bunch of Manly Stuff 
Leave a Reply