Sometimes (most of the time), other people will make you angry.  Sometimes they’ll infuriate you, and yet SOMETIMESER, they’ll blow you through the roof with the stupid and inconsiderate things they do.

All the time, however, this stuff will take place while driving.  Yes, today was one of those days, and yes, you’re going to read about it…because you’re my reader…and I love you.

Here are the top five road habits that can turn an innocent baby into Joe Pesci in Casino.

NOTE:  Texting isn’t on here…because most of these involve texting anyway and putting it on here would cause my heart to pump so quickly that I’d destroy my keyboard.

#5 – SLOWING DOWN AT STALE GREEN LIGHTS (THEN GOING)

WHO COMMITS THIS HEINOUS CRIME: Old people

WHY THEY DO IT: I have no idea

PISSED OFF LEVEL: “I saw that one coming”

THE ACT: You see a light off in the distance…it’s very, very green.  As you approach the light you get that feeling in your stomach that only comes along when you beat the system…the feeling of triumph…the same feeling you get when you realize the ferris-wheel guy screwed up the rotation at the carnival and you get an extra go-around.  There’s just one problem – there’s someone ahead of you and their brake lights are illuminated.

This usually happens when you’re late for work and there is another vehicle right beside you so you can’t switch lanes.  The person in front of you is riding their brake in the event that the stale-green light turns yellow, in which case they’ll be able to apply the brake and safely come to a stop.

What really happens is that the person (old one) in front of you rides their brake until the light turns yellow, then they lay off, jet through the intersection and leave you either running the red light or stopping while you pound your steering wheel in anger because of the combination of them doing that whole thing, and you stopping instead of going.  Oh, and to top it off that guy that was next to you hit the gas on his diesel rig and flew through the light…and there you are, in puff of black smoke, cursing and knowing that you could have made it through as another car in the lane next to your flies by……*sniffle*

WHY IT MAKES YOU ANGRY: That dirty SOB never had any intention of stopping, and you knew it…worst off, so did he

TYPICAL PHRASES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SITUATION:

• “Oh you motherrrrfuckerrrrr”
• “Un-fucking-believable” (sometimes following with a disbelieving laugh to yourself)

#4 – SPEEDING UP AFTER I’M PASSING YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE DRIVING SLOW

WHO COMMITS THIS HEINOUS CRIME: The same people that will pass you and not look at your desperately wanting-to-get-looked-at finger as they do so

WHY THEY DO IT: Because they don’t realize they’re not paying attention until your lane-change brings to their attention that they’re not paying attention

PISSED OFF LEVEL: “I’m going to follow them long enough to make them think that I’m following them, then turn down a different street”

THE ACT:  This one is simple and usually happens in heavy traffic where everyone is in a hurry to get home.  You get behind someone that isn’t reaching the speed limit, so you put on your blinker and after narrowly missing that other person you didn’t see in your blind spot, begin to execute a pass.  As you ease ahead of the car you’re passing, you see them drift into your blindspot on the right side of your vehicle.  Looking into your rearview mirror, the car’s headlights don’t appear as your passing speed would indicate they should.  You look over your right shoulder and see why – that motherfucker sped up just enough to keep you from passing.

You then slow down, and as you fall back next to them, you give them the finger…but it goes unnoticed because they have their hands at 10 and 2, looking straightforward with a concentration so insanely concentrated that you know for a fact they know you’re flipping them off and they won’t give you the satisfaction of looking at it…even after you honk.

So what do you do?  You follow them for 3-5 miles then turn off when they reach a residential road because it gives you some weird satisfaction thinking that they think they “pissed off the wrong dude!” when in reality you just wasted gas and are now 10 minutes longer from home.

WHY IT MAKES YOU ANGRY: Because why the hell weren’t they going that fast in the first place?

TYPICAL PHRASES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SITUATION:

• “Look at me, ASSHOLE!” (while flipping the bird)
• “You fuckin’ cocksucker”
• “Stupid bitch” (whether it’s a girl or guy)

#3 – DRIVING SLOW IN THE FAST LANE

WHO COMMITS THIS HEINOUS CRIME: The same people as #4…the ones that drive with their hands at 10 and 2 are oblivious to driving rules, the person behind them, the sun, and possibly Earth

WHY THEY DO IT: The people that do this do this because they either have no idea what’s going on, ever, or they are barely breaking the posted speed limit so they feel entitled to be in the fast lane

PISSED OFF LEVEL: On a weekend, mild.  On your way to work, so infuriating that you would stab your own dog with your cat

THE ACT: There isn’t much to this one…some person just decides to drive slow in the far-left lane.  You know its happening to you because traffic is moving faster on your passenger side.  It’s only at this time that you realize that you’re in the fast lane but moving slower than everyone else.  The thing that sucks is that everyone behind you realized that your lane just turned into the slow one sooner than you did, so you turn on your blinker and look in your rearview mirror only to see vehicle after vehicle turning into the next lane thusly keeping you nestled safely behind that slow sumbitch.

WHY IT MAKES YOU ANGRY: Because it’s not called the “slow lane” and how that guy in front of you even passed his driving test in unfathomable.

TYPICAL PHRASES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SITUATION:

• “You gotta be shittin’ me”
• “MOVE, YOUR, ASSSSS!”

#2 – WAITING ALL DAY TO TURN RIGHT AND NOT TAKING YOUR OPPORTUNITY (OVER AND OVER)

WHO COMMITS THIS HEINOUS CRIME: Usually someone talking on their phone, someone talking to their passenger, or someone day dreaming about being someone else

WHY THEY DO IT: They obviously aren’t paying attention or they’re waiting for some magical hole in traffic to open up that’s big enough for Noah to pull his fucking Ark into

PISSED OFF LEVEL: This one gets pretty close to forcing you out of your car with the sole purpose of kicking someone else’s ass.

THE ACT: You’re pulling out of Home Depot or Bed Bath and Beyond (depending on what type of man you are) and it’s 4:50 pm…ten minutes until rush hour hits.  You pull up behind anything that ranges from an Escalade to a mid-80’s Honda that’s turning right…no problem so far.

EXCEPT, that you know the light pattern around these parts and when you see an opening, you take it, otherwise it gets to be 5pm and you’re absolutely screwed in the sea of rush hour.  So you sit behind this person as you watch hole after hole go by in traffic wondering when the fuck he’s going to go.  After 5 solid minutes of waiting, cursing and watching the light pattern 3-times through and realizing that the person ahead of you will never have a better opportunity to go, you honk.

What do they do?  They stare in their rearview mirror to see who honked at them only to miss their next opportunity to go (which was a solid 5 second hole).  At this point you throw your hands up as if to say, “let’s go!”, then they flip you off and pull into traffic at the least opportune time…effectively wasting 5 minutes of your life and sticking you in rush hour.

WHY IT MAKES YOU ANGRY: Well, first of all this guy didn’t take numerous safe opportunities for reasons unknown to science, then after you honk at him, you get the bird and he takes off nearly killing everyone he pulls in front of…so why the hell didn’t he do that anyway?  The fact that he gets away squeaky clean without any retribution for that middle finger just adds salt to the wound.

TYPICAL PHRASES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SITUATION:

• “You gotta be shittin’ me” (repeat as necessary)
• “GO! ………………………FUCK! GO!” (repeat as necessary)
• “ANYTIME, ASSHOLE!” (repeat as necessary)

#1 – THE SHIT HEAD THAT CUTS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WHEN LANES MERGE

WHO COMMITS THIS HEINOUS CRIME: Only the biggest of assholes…usually self-absorbed narcissistic pricks driving something expensive

WHY THEY DO IT: They think the world belongs to them and that waiting their turn is for chumps.  They’re also #3 on this list of handshakes

PISSED OFF LEVEL: If anger could be expressed in celebrity failures, sushi and monsters, then this would be Lindsay Lohan, Milli Vanilli and 80’s-era Robert Downey Jr. all wrapped up in sea weed and fed to an Asian monster that locals named “The most irate motherfucker ever made”

THE ACT: Just writing this is making me well-up *breathe*

So you saw 1.5 miles back that there was a “right lane merges” sign…you know, the same sign that everyone saw 1.5 miles back, so natually (and out of respect for your fellow man) you merge left and wait your turn.  After all, you’ve been waiting hours like everyone else.

Then, out of the blue comes a rogue vehicle in the right lane that’s flying past everyone. They go ALLLL the way to the front, flip on their blinker and merge over.  Sometimes this starts a trend and other times they get away with it, but all times you hope they’re pulled over getting gas the same time you are so you can lay the smack down on their rooty-poo-candy-asses.

The only way you can combat this Muppet-dipped-in-shit is to be the one at the front…the car that he tries to get in front of.  You’ll move up to the bumper in front of you as close as humanely possible to insure his failure at doing so….but he’s doing the same thing, trying to nose-in.  This is a test of your fortitute.  It’s a test of your man card and your woman’s love for you and you DO NOT LET THAT GUY IN, even if you run into him.

Unfortunately, the guy behind you does…..so the asshole still wins.

WHY IT MAKES YOU ANGRY: Because psychology teaches us that people that are waiting in line think that people that cut in line are tremendous assholes (citation needed). This puts you in the mindframe of wondering what makes that guy so special, which in turn makes us feel un-special, so we have to kick his face off in order to feel special again (citation needed).

TYPICAL PHRASES ASSOCIATED WITH THIS SITUATION:

• “No way, asshole”
• “No, fuck YOU!”
• “Not on my watch”
• “Keep goin’, I’ll hit that piece of shit” (used even if you’re driving the POS)
• “Don’t let that motherfucker in!!” (used if he’s cutting ahead of the guy in front of you…your windows are also up)
• “Oh you fuckin’ pussy!” (usually used after the guy in front of you let’s the asshole in)

As you can see from the increase in swear words as the article progresses, I more than likely have driving and anger issues….either that or it’s the other guy’s fault…and I know it’s not me because you’ve experienced every single one of them, haven’t you Mr. Awesomedriver?

Categories: "Top" lists, EVERYTHING (in no particular order), Humor

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