In honor of the 20th anniversary release of Jurassic Park and my completely non-ridiculed-amongst-co-workers love for dinosaurs, I decided to look up exactly how many dinosaur species have been discovered up until now (it’s more than you think). Upon reading the endless list of dinosaurs, I noticed some that had, shall we say, “suspect” names. Thus, I bring to you the most absurdly named dinosaurs to ever exist…and yes, apparently these things were real.
Otherwise known as a Sonarasaurus, these things were around 27 feet tall and 50 feet long and did not, I repeat did not look like that dinosaur-dog picture. They looked pretty much like whatever you picture your basic plant-eating dinosaur to be.
Ironically enough, this dinosaur didn’t get its name from being adorable on television while selling second-rate tacos. It got its name from being unfortunate enough to be discovered in the Chihuahua Desert region of the Sonoran Desert in Southern Arizona – which is only a few hundred miles away from Death Valley, California.
This means that if this dinosaur decided to truck on a few hundred more miles west to die instead of where it did, it could have possibly been named DEATHOSAURUS, which will always hold the #1 spot on the list of coolest things to be named, ever.
Meet the King – Cryolophosaurus, otherwise knows as Elvisaurus. It weighed around 1,000 lbs, was 21 feet long gets its name from the fact that it’s fossils were found surrounded by painkillers located only yards away from a toilet (citation needed). paleontologists also theorize that its main source of food was scrambled eggs and bacon laced with pepper.
I jest…Elvisaurus had a crest on its head that resembled the King’s famous pompadour haircut, thus its informal name. It’s believed that this crest was used to get the attention of other chick-dinosaurs so they could get their “Uh!” on…kinda like birds when they put on a show to impress the female in order to get a little action…you may have also seen this habit in humans at karaoke bars.
The Elvisaurus ate meat, weighed half a ton, got chicks and had a sweet hairdo. Whether or not it could dance or steal black dinosaur’s music is irrelevant, it’s aptly named.
Do you remember that scene from The Fly where Jeff Goldblum tries to teleport himself and a fly sneaks into the pod just beforehand and they mold together? Well the Irritator is like that, except a Crocodile was trying to transport itself as a T-Rex snuck in. This thing is literally a 9-foot tall, 2,000 pound crocodile that ran on two legs. If there was ever an animal that could make my pants crap me, this would be it. It was also discovered in Brazil, so it probably liked to surf and looked great in a thong.
I know, I know…the name “Irritator” doesn’t really go with this list, right? It actually sounds kind of badass, huh? Well, not when you learn that “Irritator” comes from the frustration paleontologists felt when they discovered that illegal fossil dealers were artificially elongating the fossil snouts to sell them at a higher price.
So as awesome and mean and incredibly evil as the Irritator looks, it was only named because of paleontologist’s frustrations. Not too badass when you know you can frustrate a paleontologist by throwing pop-rocks at them.
Drinker was a 6-foot tall, 22 pound (I know!) lightweight. Apparently he ran really fast, had long legs, and theories range from Drinker being a swamp-friendly dinosaur to being a burrower. With it’s surprisingly awesome name, you’d think we’d know more about this dinosaur, but we don’t – just how its name came about…but you can read about that here.
I’m sure you’ll love to hear jokes on how it became extinct from drinking too much, or it drove home when it should have called a cab, ‘cetra ‘cetra, but I’m not going to do that. All I’m going to say about the Drinker is that whatever problems it had, they’re gone now and he’s in a better place.
…but how fucking awesome would it be to have a dinosaur as a drinking buddy?! You get to shoot pool, talk about his crappy dinosaur life, how his ex-wife Chihuahuasaurus wants more child support even through she’s married to a deadbeat Elvisaurus. You could ride him around as a party gag and even give each other nicknames….one of which I’m absolutely sure would be this…
This is Scrotum (Megalasaurus). Scrotum is a gigantic, scary lizard, and was pretty much a 2/3 scale Tyrannosaurus Rex. He gets his name from the first bone that was found of a Megalasaurus skeleton. The bone was the bottom chunk of an enormous thigh bone, but we’ll get to that later…let’s concentrate on the scariest scrotum you’ve ever seen…for now…
While running into one of these Scrotums coming at you through the forest would probably make you drop to your knees (thank you, I’ll be here all night), you would be able to take solace in knowing that you’re about to get put in the mouth of a scrotum and die…so you could at least die in the most ironic way possible.
All jokes aside, you’re probably wondering where nutsack here got his name…well, in 1783, Richard Brooks felt that the chunk of femur bone I mentioned earlier resembled that of a human scrotum, so of course after weeks of thinking scientifically, he named the dinosaur “Scrotum Humanum”, because he’s absolutely stellar at creativity.
Speaking of which, we’re lucky that Mr. Brooks was done naming things after Scrotum, I’m not sure I’d be a fan of dinosaurs with names like Stegapointybacks or Brontopenisnecks.